Divine Duct Tape: A mother's faith journey to find hope and humor in a life of autism, parenting teens and midlife messes.
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Special Needs Questions
Discussion Questions for Special Needs Groups
Although Divine Duct Tape was written to demonstrate that God has something to say about every aspect of our lives, it is also true that in my life as a parent of two sons with Asperger's Syndrome, this devotional touches many times on my experience as it relates to being a mother of children with special needs. It has impacted how I see myself, my children and God. And it has impacted the way I relate to my husband, other members of my family, my community and especially my church.
The following questions are for those who share this special calling and responsibility that God has placed in our life. My prayer is that it will be a blessing in helping to navigate this very defining aspect of our lives. Please feel free to use these either in place of or in addition to the ones provided in the book.
Each five-day devotional entry (one week's worth) is ideal for a once-a-week group study that will total 12 weeks worth of discussion material.
The following questions are for those who share this special calling and responsibility that God has placed in our life. My prayer is that it will be a blessing in helping to navigate this very defining aspect of our lives. Please feel free to use these either in place of or in addition to the ones provided in the book.
Each five-day devotional entry (one week's worth) is ideal for a once-a-week group study that will total 12 weeks worth of discussion material.
Week 1
Luke 1:1-14 (Day 1 to 5)
1. We all have a story about Christ to tell. For those of us with special needs children, that story can include both difficult and hopeful chapters. In what ways have you seen God enter your family's special needs story?
2. What truths about God--who He is, about His promises and His ways--have you counted on to help you through the unique challenges of parenting and caring for a special needs child?
3. What are the areas of your life as a parent that were not what you initially "signed up" for? Have you been able to surrender those unexpected areas of your life and to trust God with them and if so, how? Or, conversely, is this still an area of on-going struggle and where is the battle hardest fought?
4. What currently seems overwhelming or frightening to you and do you have support from others to pray for you? To advise you about treatments? Schools? Or to offer you respite relief? Who has your back? And if you need more support, discuss how others are finding ways to obtain it.
5. When Zechariah learned that he would have a special son, he was told that he would bring joy and delight. What are some moments that you have been able to celebrate in the life of your child and the ways God has made them a blessing to you and others?
2. What truths about God--who He is, about His promises and His ways--have you counted on to help you through the unique challenges of parenting and caring for a special needs child?
3. What are the areas of your life as a parent that were not what you initially "signed up" for? Have you been able to surrender those unexpected areas of your life and to trust God with them and if so, how? Or, conversely, is this still an area of on-going struggle and where is the battle hardest fought?
4. What currently seems overwhelming or frightening to you and do you have support from others to pray for you? To advise you about treatments? Schools? Or to offer you respite relief? Who has your back? And if you need more support, discuss how others are finding ways to obtain it.
5. When Zechariah learned that he would have a special son, he was told that he would bring joy and delight. What are some moments that you have been able to celebrate in the life of your child and the ways God has made them a blessing to you and others?
Week 2
Luke 1:15-33 (Day 6 to 10)
1. John the Baptist was called to prepare the way for people to recognize Christ. In what ways has your family's experience with special needs allowed you to point others toward Christ?
2. Doubt is such a painful but necessary part of growing in our relationship with God. Is there an area of doubt that you are working through--perhaps fearing that a certain outcome will or won't happen?
3. Zechariah was made mute. Yet because of that disability, God was able to communicate all the more effectively through it to those around them. Is there a means by which God is using the difficulties with disability to communicate to you in ways that you might not otherwise hear?
4. When a child is disabled, we learn to measure their value and to celebrate their milestones according to a different standard than our culture's "norm." And it begs the bigger question: to what things do we turn for self worth that are contradictory to God's message that we are precious to Him? Do we allow the world's standards of success to shape us or discourage us? To tell us that the achievements of our children define who we are? Or that our bank account and condition of our home is proof of our earthly success? And what criteria of value or worth are we teaching our children to measure themselves and others by?
5. Mary is being asked to give birth to the Messiah, to parent the son of God and the very idea of that responsibility is terrifying. We, too, have been given a parenting privilege that is also a responsibility. It can be frightening at times and overwhelming as we wonder if we are able to do the job. What can we see in Mary's response and the response of Gabriel that can give us some perspective in the task we have ahead of us?
2. Doubt is such a painful but necessary part of growing in our relationship with God. Is there an area of doubt that you are working through--perhaps fearing that a certain outcome will or won't happen?
3. Zechariah was made mute. Yet because of that disability, God was able to communicate all the more effectively through it to those around them. Is there a means by which God is using the difficulties with disability to communicate to you in ways that you might not otherwise hear?
4. When a child is disabled, we learn to measure their value and to celebrate their milestones according to a different standard than our culture's "norm." And it begs the bigger question: to what things do we turn for self worth that are contradictory to God's message that we are precious to Him? Do we allow the world's standards of success to shape us or discourage us? To tell us that the achievements of our children define who we are? Or that our bank account and condition of our home is proof of our earthly success? And what criteria of value or worth are we teaching our children to measure themselves and others by?
5. Mary is being asked to give birth to the Messiah, to parent the son of God and the very idea of that responsibility is terrifying. We, too, have been given a parenting privilege that is also a responsibility. It can be frightening at times and overwhelming as we wonder if we are able to do the job. What can we see in Mary's response and the response of Gabriel that can give us some perspective in the task we have ahead of us?
Week 3
Luke 1:34-58 (Day 11 to 15)
1. "How will this be?" is the question Mary poses without fear and without any ire from God. What do you find yourself asking "How?" about in your situation? (How to enable my child to sleep at night? How to get them to eat healthier? How to help them to toilet train? To communicate? Etc.?)
2. Is God providing an "Elizabeth" to come along side and support you? Or is He giving you the opportunity to come along side someone who is newer to the special needs experience? In what way is coming together encouraging? Or sometimes even discouraging?
3. What was the pregnancy like for each of your children? Who were the people in your life who celebrated with you? What kinds of things did they say or do that made your pregnancy seem special or you feel valued?
4. Humility can be a hard character trait to develop, especially when it comes to asking others for help or admitting that we need more than our own resources can provide. Where have you found that pill difficult at times to swallow? And where have you been able to surrender your need to God and allow others to come along side?
5. Sometimes a "group hug" is not a love-language our child understands or responds to, especially those that have sensory issues that might make it uncomfortable. What kind of things have you discovered best communicate love and support to your child?
2. Is God providing an "Elizabeth" to come along side and support you? Or is He giving you the opportunity to come along side someone who is newer to the special needs experience? In what way is coming together encouraging? Or sometimes even discouraging?
3. What was the pregnancy like for each of your children? Who were the people in your life who celebrated with you? What kinds of things did they say or do that made your pregnancy seem special or you feel valued?
4. Humility can be a hard character trait to develop, especially when it comes to asking others for help or admitting that we need more than our own resources can provide. Where have you found that pill difficult at times to swallow? And where have you been able to surrender your need to God and allow others to come along side?
5. Sometimes a "group hug" is not a love-language our child understands or responds to, especially those that have sensory issues that might make it uncomfortable. What kind of things have you discovered best communicate love and support to your child?
Week 4
Luke 1:59-2:5 (Day 16 to 20)
1. Sometimes we are called to buck norms and the status quo to do what God is telling us is best for our marriage, our children, their education or maybe their health (mental or physical!). And sometimes that difficulty is compounded when our spouse does not fully agree with the direction we believe God is telling us to go. How do you reconcile those differences in your marriage? Or maybe that difficulty is compounded when established groups like schools and doctors do not agree with our concerns. How do you handle it?
2. What long-awaited victory have you experienced recently with regard to your special gift--your child--from God? A school accommodation? A grandparent finally "understanding"? A friendship being forged? Medical help?
3. Song and music and dance are just some of the creative outlets that allow us and our children to celebrate. What kind of musical expression resonates best with your child? How have you seen it impact them?
4. We are all gifted by God for a purpose and that includes our children who, although labelled "disabled" are sometimes the most perfectly "abled" among us to open our eyes to God's ways and God's beautiful character. What story can you share that illustrates how your child has been purposed to communicate to those around them in a powerful way?
5. What paradigm shift are you having to make about how you expected your life to be? In what ways is God using the weak and "foolish" things in your life to amaze those who think they have all the answers?
2. What long-awaited victory have you experienced recently with regard to your special gift--your child--from God? A school accommodation? A grandparent finally "understanding"? A friendship being forged? Medical help?
3. Song and music and dance are just some of the creative outlets that allow us and our children to celebrate. What kind of musical expression resonates best with your child? How have you seen it impact them?
4. We are all gifted by God for a purpose and that includes our children who, although labelled "disabled" are sometimes the most perfectly "abled" among us to open our eyes to God's ways and God's beautiful character. What story can you share that illustrates how your child has been purposed to communicate to those around them in a powerful way?
5. What paradigm shift are you having to make about how you expected your life to be? In what ways is God using the weak and "foolish" things in your life to amaze those who think they have all the answers?
Week 5
Luke 2:6-2:32 (Day 21 to 25)
1. I heard an insightful pastor once say that God not only came as one who knew the suffering of poverty and scandal, but He came as one disabled--laying aside all His power, His beauty and honor. He humbled Himself as an infant in the care of a young newlywed couple to do for him what He was not able (physically or cognitively) to do for Himself. In what ways might Christ's difficult life experience have impacted his ministry and those he most often reached out to show love and compassion? Who among those he impacted in his ministry most touches you and why?
2. Jewish culture assumed certain things of shepherds and being great spiritual messengers was not one of them. For us, too, we sometimes encounter those who, based on our child's diagnosis or appearance come to wrong conclusions and assumptions about who they are and what they can be or do. If you could correct the most often assumed characteristic about your child, what would it be? And what is a loving way we can better communicate that correction to those around us who are often just trying to help?
3. Sometimes families have to be more careful to think about the choices they make out of sensitivity to the special needs of one or more family members. And while we don't have a celestial choir reciting our directives as the shepherds had with the angels, when has God made something very clear to you and your family to do that might have seemed challenging? How did you know it was from Him and how did your response to it make a difference in your life or the lives of others?
4. Consecrating our children to God looks a little different these days than it did for Joseph and Mary but it is a symbolic practice we still perform in a variety of ways from child dedications to infant baptisms (depending on your tradition). Consecration promises before the Lord and before others that we (and our spiritual community) will do all we can to raise our children in the knowledge and love of Christ. What things have helped to make this pledge easy to keep? And difficult? Where do you see ways that the Body of Christ has come along side you to support your efforts? Or where you hope they can do more?
5. Is there something recently that the Holy Spirit is enabling you to see about your children more clearly than before?
2. Jewish culture assumed certain things of shepherds and being great spiritual messengers was not one of them. For us, too, we sometimes encounter those who, based on our child's diagnosis or appearance come to wrong conclusions and assumptions about who they are and what they can be or do. If you could correct the most often assumed characteristic about your child, what would it be? And what is a loving way we can better communicate that correction to those around us who are often just trying to help?
3. Sometimes families have to be more careful to think about the choices they make out of sensitivity to the special needs of one or more family members. And while we don't have a celestial choir reciting our directives as the shepherds had with the angels, when has God made something very clear to you and your family to do that might have seemed challenging? How did you know it was from Him and how did your response to it make a difference in your life or the lives of others?
4. Consecrating our children to God looks a little different these days than it did for Joseph and Mary but it is a symbolic practice we still perform in a variety of ways from child dedications to infant baptisms (depending on your tradition). Consecration promises before the Lord and before others that we (and our spiritual community) will do all we can to raise our children in the knowledge and love of Christ. What things have helped to make this pledge easy to keep? And difficult? Where do you see ways that the Body of Christ has come along side you to support your efforts? Or where you hope they can do more?
5. Is there something recently that the Holy Spirit is enabling you to see about your children more clearly than before?
Week 6
Luke 2:33 - 52 (Day 26 to 30)
1. Simeon predicts tough times ahead for Mary and Joseph, telling them that a sword will pierce their own souls as a result of their son's birth. They, like everyone else, will one day face a choice as to who they will follow. How has following Christ made a difference in how you see your roles and your purpose in this world? In your parenting? In your marriage? and in how you deal with the challenges associated with special needs?
2. How we spend our time with others is one of several indications of how we love them. What are some ways you can spend your time differently--either quality or quantity--that will better communicate to God, your spouse and your children how you love them?
3. Parenting is hard. Marriage is hard. And the responsibilities and financial strains that often come with disability is hard. In the daily crush of life, it is easy to "lose" Christ (as Mary and Joseph did during the mass exit from Jerusalem) when we are functioning on survival mode. Where do you typically find yourself "losing" Jesus and leaving him behind? And what can you do to better meet with Him and turn to Him for your day-to-day needs?
4. We, too, like Mary and Joseph, tend to first look for answers in the places that make the most sense to us: with people we know or expert sources we come to rely on and trust. And while those sources are not necessarily wrong or bad, how often do we first go to God for patience and wisdom to guide us as we go?
5. Baby steps. Our life's journey is full of them as we all struggle to grow in wisdom and in favor with God and others. What are some recent baby-step advances you have made in these areas of your life? Or advances that you've seen in your children? What has helped you (or them) to make progress?
2. How we spend our time with others is one of several indications of how we love them. What are some ways you can spend your time differently--either quality or quantity--that will better communicate to God, your spouse and your children how you love them?
3. Parenting is hard. Marriage is hard. And the responsibilities and financial strains that often come with disability is hard. In the daily crush of life, it is easy to "lose" Christ (as Mary and Joseph did during the mass exit from Jerusalem) when we are functioning on survival mode. Where do you typically find yourself "losing" Jesus and leaving him behind? And what can you do to better meet with Him and turn to Him for your day-to-day needs?
4. We, too, like Mary and Joseph, tend to first look for answers in the places that make the most sense to us: with people we know or expert sources we come to rely on and trust. And while those sources are not necessarily wrong or bad, how often do we first go to God for patience and wisdom to guide us as we go?
5. Baby steps. Our life's journey is full of them as we all struggle to grow in wisdom and in favor with God and others. What are some recent baby-step advances you have made in these areas of your life? Or advances that you've seen in your children? What has helped you (or them) to make progress?
Week 7
Luke 3:1-20 (Day 31 to 35)
1. John's message was of repentance--to change direction from an identity based on what we do (self-reliance and control) to an identity based on what God has done for us (grace reliance and surrender). Is there a part of your life that needs to turn direction? A part of your identity that is too reliant on what you can control? (Controlling what you achieve in your job? Controlling your children's progress?)
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